Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
