I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
