I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
