there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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