My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
