from now on my penis is your penis
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
