Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
