He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
