Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
