I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
