the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
