and she was petting her beer can
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
