Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
