if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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