You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
