How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
