i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
