I wish I could punch you in the face.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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