Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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