Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
