the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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