Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
