I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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