i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
