how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
