hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
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