Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
