my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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