what day is it and did you see me today?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
