I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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