There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
