He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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