I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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