Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
