I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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