I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I need mimosas to revive my soul
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
