God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
