apparently the secret to your success is patron
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
