Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
