3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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