He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
