hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
