And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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