I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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