i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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