so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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