Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
