Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We need to rekindle our bromance
time to smoke my breakfast
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
