I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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