Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
