I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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