I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
