My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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