ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
