Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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