I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
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is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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