I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
